The weird story about how AoS helped me go from a toxic egg to a happier trans girl

[HollowHills]

I don't want to go off topic or be political, but I thought this story might be helpful for some people out there who have gone through or might be going through similar experiences.

In early 2021 I came out personally and professionally as a transgender woman and have been living full time as a woman ever since.

The truth is this wasn't a massive surprise to me. In my teens I'd tried to come out and transition before, but due to various factors and some failings with the healthcare I received I went back "into the closet". As part of that I'd learnt to think that if I could be "manly enough" I could fix myself.

When I got back into Warhammer in 2016 I basically didn't have a social life. I was always uncomfortable around people and had poor mental health. I decided to get back into painting models as a way to manage my mental health. It also meant that I had one thing which would get me out the house and socialising (other than work). 

I later came to realise that painting those little figures probably saved my life. My mental health continued to get worse, to the extent I tried some silly things. During those low periods painting my Idoneth models was an outlet for creativity, colour and passion when I felt so repressed in the rest of my life.

Unfortunately, due to internalised transphobia and mysogyny I wasn't always the best person. I felt resentful to ****** people and women involved in the hobby, because that was the life I wanted but was too ashamed to embrace. At times I made "jokes" and comments I'm not proud of, some on this very forum, to try and prove to myself that I could be "one of the lads".

However, at the same time as I saw increased representation in the hobby and Games Workshop embracing greater diversity I began to imagine at least one part of my life where I could be trans and still be accepted.

So AoS ended up giving me two things, a creative outlet to be completely free and express myself when I didn't have one anywhere else and a safe space where I could still have social interaction when I was early in my journey.

I'm pleased to say I'm so much happier now and have a wide range of social relationships both within and outside the hobby. My passion for Warhammer has never been greater and since I started HRT I've painted more models than ever before!

I wanted to share this story for two reasons. Firstly, as an apology to the people I may have made uncomfortable with exclusionary comments back when I was a "toxic egg". Secondly, if there is anyone reading this going through struggles around their own identity. The hobby is, and will always be, a place for you. I am committed to do everything I can to make sure that everyone, regardless of gender, sexuality, race or neurodiversity has a place in our game.

I'd like to invite anyone who feels comfortable doing so to share their own experiences of how Warhammer helped get them through a tough time.

Thanks for reading.

[Skreech Verminking]

I welcome you,

 as your new yourself😉

I’m very certain that your story will be very helpful for many people, and I’m clad that your are doing better.

 

Skreech Verminking

Edited January 23, 2022 by Skreech Verminking

[Carnelian]

Fantastic - thank you for sharing your story and for the amazing sentiment - the hobby certainly is for everyone!  I am glad you are happier now and hopefully the hobby and hobby community can continue to act as a place of refuge for anyone who needs it

[drcrater]

Thank you for sharing, as a fellow trans women I know how difficult this can be. It's awesome that this hobby is becoming more and more welcoming. 

[Noserenda]

Good to hear This hobby has certainly helped me through some dark times too. Made some great friends and when support couldn't always be there i could lose myself in a bit of modelling.

[Neil Arthur Hotep]

I don't really have a lot to add, but I am glad that you are feeling better now. Also, just being who you are should never be considered "too political" to talk about.

[EonChao]

It's great that you're finally getting to be yourself, certainly the presence of more women, both cis and trans, in the hobby and GW's own push to embrace diversity, helped me have the courage too come out a few years ago to.

Just remember whilst your history happened it's in the past, the you that you are now is what's important and that's someone who's a valid and awesome member of the community.

[amysrevenge]

During my struggle with mental health one of my two main self-identified symptoms (the other was a couple episodes of hiding under my desk at work to cry) was a total loss of interest in hobbying.

The loss of interest in the hobby was the "final straw" that led me to finding help.  Medication and counselling later, and I'm hobbying like a madman again (and sitting at my desk rather than crying under it).

[TheGrimKnight]

On 1/23/2022 at 10:41 AM, HollowHills said:

I don't want to go off topic or be political, but I thought this story might be helpful for some people out there who have gone through or might be going through similar experiences.

In early 2021 I came out personally and professionally as a transgender woman and have been living full time as a woman ever since.

The truth is this wasn't a massive surprise to me. In my teens I'd tried to come out and transition before, but due to various factors and some failings with the healthcare I received I went back "into the closet". As part of that I'd learnt to think that if I could be "manly enough" I could fix myself.

When I got back into Warhammer in 2016 I basically didn't have a social life. I was always uncomfortable around people and had poor mental health. I decided to get back into painting models as a way to manage my mental health. It also meant that I had one thing which would get me out the house and socialising (other than work). 

I later came to realise that painting those little figures probably saved my life. My mental health continued to get worse, to the extent I tried some silly things. During those low periods painting my Idoneth models was an outlet for creativity, colour and passion when I felt so repressed in the rest of my life.

Unfortunately, due to internalised transphobia and mysogyny I wasn't always the best person. I felt resentful to ****** people and women involved in the hobby, because that was the life I wanted but was too ashamed to embrace. At times I made "jokes" and comments I'm not proud of, some on this very forum, to try and prove to myself that I could be "one of the lads".

However, at the same time as I saw increased representation in the hobby and Games Workshop embracing greater diversity I began to imagine at least one part of my life where I could be trans and still be accepted.

So AoS ended up giving me two things, a creative outlet to be completely free and express myself when I didn't have one anywhere else and a safe space where I could still have social interaction when I was early in my journey.

I'm pleased to say I'm so much happier now and have a wide range of social relationships both within and outside the hobby. My passion for Warhammer has never been greater and since I started HRT I've painted more models than ever before!

I wanted to share this story for two reasons. Firstly, as an apology to the people I may have made uncomfortable with exclusionary comments back when I was a "toxic egg". Secondly, if there is anyone reading this going through struggles around their own identity. The hobby is, and will always be, a place for you. I am committed to do everything I can to make sure that everyone, regardless of gender, sexuality, race or neurodiversity has a place in our game.

I'd like to invite anyone who feels comfortable doing so to share their own experiences of how Warhammer helped get them through a tough time.

Thanks for reading.

I'm glad you can be yourself and be happy! I'm also glad to have other trans people in the community! I've taken to the AoS community because it's been much more open to transgender people like us! 

 

Again I'm happy you can be yourself!

[HollowHills]

I have to say I'm overwhelmed by the responses and comments to this post. I wasn't sure when I wrote it if I should.

It's heartwarming to see how more inclusive and accepting our hobby has become ☺️

[Zlatan]

Thank you for posting this. I’m so happy to see messages about diversity and greater acceptance in the hobby and that GW are now actively promoting that. 
 

I’m a ****** man myself and I’ve been out and happy in most aspects of my life since I was fairly young. But as any LGBTQ+ person knows, coming out is not something that just happens once in your life; it’s something you need to tackle (or at least take a decision on) in any new social group or environment. I’ve never encountered any toxicity in the hobby personally, but because I had heard stories I have never been fully open with casual friends and acquaintances who I’ve met through gaming. Maybe that needs to change… 

At the end of the day, this is a very creative and social hobby, and it attracts all kinds of people. There’s no reason why it should be a cis het boys’ club (not saying it necessarily is, but I fear at least some hobbyists still see it this way). 
 

Congratulations on your transition. Here’s to a happier and more whole you. 
 

 

[Zlatan]

P.S I wish the G-word and the Q-word weren’t auto-censored on this forum. They shouldn’t be taboo. 

[zilberfrid]

Congrats on your transition!

I hope your bouts of disphoria are short, and everyone is accepting of who you are!

[Ben]

On 1/26/2022 at 11:04 AM, Zlatan said:

P.S I wish the G-word and the Q-word weren’t auto-censored on this forum. They shouldn’t be taboo. 

It’s a hang up from old default software and when those terms were predominantly used as insults on message boards. 
 

we can get this updated. First time I’ve noticed it or seen it mentioned in all they years TGA has been up. 
 

@Gaz Taylor 👍👍

[Sleboda]

@HollowHills and anyone else interested -

I want to say something and be absolutely clear what the intent of it is. I want to compliment you and point out a positive thing that could be misconstrued. I truly mean this positively. Here goes.

 

In the past, I've both agreed and disagreed with your posts here. There's been some crankiness and snark on my end, but also appreciation and smiles over your comments.

At no time, not once, did it occur to me to even wonder what your gender identification (appoligies in advance if I'm not getting the terminology exactly right - I'm trying to use the right words) was. I was annoyed or pleased by the content of your posts, not by who you are or the way you live.

And that's how it should be.

If someone likes or dislikes another person, let it be based on what they do and what they say, not on opinions about how that person "should" live.

 

So, the point is, I'll continue to get irritated by you (or not!) based on your comments here, and nothing else.

 

Carry on! :). (and congrats on moving forward in life)

[JPjr]

That's great that you've found happiness and that you are in a better place, and that in some way Warhammer helped, good luck on the journey ahead of you!

[Neverchosen]

This was an extremely moving post, thank you so much for sharing!

It was precisely the type of inspiring words I need right now. I am very happy to have you on here with us... especially as all Idoneth players clearly have awesome taste!

[Public Universal Duardin]

One of us! One of us!

I am so happy for you having found yourself, @HollowHills and I am proud that this community--not just TGA, but AoS as a whole--has affected you so positively. I want to shout out to the mods of TGA; they are all wonderful people, but I have first-hand experience of @Enoby being an upright individual and ensuring TGA stays free from bigotry (in this case, transphobic language), and later being very humble about receiving any thanks for that.

This may or may not come as a surprise to anyone, but I am a trans woman too. What strikes me is how your events remind me of mine. I too came out as a teenager, but I received zero support and went 'back to the closet' for nigh a decade, fostering a very toxic attitude born from self-hatred until everything came down during 2019. My user name on this very forum, which at times have confounded users, is a relic of that early gender questioning, referencing a non-binary 18th century preacher.

Warhammer has played a big part in my journey to find myself; while the community might have contributed me to stay in the closet in my youth, in recent years I have found nothing but support. I know a few of you outside of TGA, even if I am sure not everyone of them would recognise me on other platforms. I've had the pleasure of meeting life-long friends in the AoS-community, pushing me to put my creativity in good (well, that's debatable) use. A good example was making a small video essay on Slaanesh, whom often is brought up in transphobic contexts especially in the 40K community. It got a couple hundred views and I deleted it due to voice dysphoria, but the thesis was that Games Workshop has evolved Slaanesh from their more problematic roots, discussing their usage by reactionaries and my own experiences with Slaanesh (CSM 3rd ed codex was my first foray into Warhammer, alongside SM:DA, going as far as holding a presentation about Horus Heresy in English class at 12yo, lol!). But the way us q u e e r folks were talked about by bigots, often liking us to Warhammer's Slaanesh, pushed even deeply-egged baby me away from wanting to collect Slaaneshi chaos figures.

The last few years have been the toughest in my life, as in Nordic countries from the moment you realise you are trans to a doctor prescribing you hormones is a multi-year process, only worsened during COVID. I don't know if I would have survived the pandemic, that terrible, terrible wait and having close people reject me due to my identity, if not for thse friends I have found in the Warhammer community and TGA. In many ways, browsing the Rumour thread or posting low-quality memes were an escapism, an escapism that seems to slowly pay off. 

Anyway, I am doing the Abe Simpson rambling thing again. I am very happy for you, Hollow, you aren't alone and we are here for you 💪

[amysrevenge]

Oh! I even know the story of Public Universal Friend, and hadn't connected it to your handle.  That's too funny.

[EonChao]

1 hour ago, Public Universal Duardin said:

The last few years have been the toughest in my life, as in Nordic countries from the moment you realise you are trans to a doctor prescribing you hormones is a multi-year process, only worsened during COVID. I don't know if I would have survived the pandemic, that terrible, terrible wait and having close people reject me due to my identity, if not for thse friends I have found in the Warhammer community and TGA. In many ways, browsing the Rumour thread or posting low-quality memes were an escapism, an escapism that seems to slowly pay off. 

Mood, the wait here in the UK is currently around 3 years for your first appointment at a Gender Identity Clinic, and then it's apparently usually the third appointment where they prescribe you hrt. I was lucky on being largely accepted by people upon coming out but things like this and the hobbies themselves are so helpful in finding a focus to keep yourself going whilst waiting.

[Enoby]

2 hours ago, EonChao said:

Mood, the wait here in the UK is currently around 3 years for your first appointment at a Gender Identity Clinic, and then it's apparently usually the third appointment where they prescribe you hrt. I was lucky on being largely accepted by people upon coming out but things like this and the hobbies themselves are so helpful in finding a focus to keep yourself going whilst waiting.

Just a little thing if it helps anyone, one of my friends is trans and she used Gender GP in the UK to get her meds in a few weeks It is private so it does cost (can't remember the amount but not utterly unaffordable iirc - maybe £200?), but it helped them so much quicker than what was on the NHS. 

I know how important it can be to get medicine, so I thought it was worth mentioning for those on the years-long waiting lists

[Public Universal Duardin]

7 hours ago, amysrevenge said:

Oh! I even know the story of Public Universal Friend, and hadn't connected it to your handle.  That's too funny.

I admit there was some plausible deniability and as Public Universal Friend had nothing to do with dwarves I don't fault anyone for not making that connection! Just wanted to rep my fave Warhammer race and took the Friend's name due to the personal importance to me. Voilà!

7 hours ago, EonChao said:

Mood, the wait here in the UK is currently around 3 years for your first appointment at a Gender Identity Clinic, and then it's apparently usually the third appointment where they prescribe you hrt. I was lucky on being largely accepted by people upon coming out but things like this and the hobbies themselves are so helpful in finding a focus to keep yourself going whilst waiting.

I had more luck and the whole process took about 2 years in one of the Nordic countries...but then I finished uni and moved back to my home country 🇫🇮. Now waiting the 8th month of getting my foreign diagnosis "confirmed" here! At least I have access to HRT...

4 hours ago, Enoby said:

Just a little thing if it helps anyone, one of my friends is trans and she used Gender GP in the UK to get her meds in a few weeks It is private so it does cost (can't remember the amount but not utterly unaffordable iirc - maybe £200?), but it helped them so much quicker than what was on the NHS. 

I know how important it can be to get medicine, so I thought it was worth mentioning for those on the years-long waiting lists

Big tip: GenderGP at least used to be available for other countries in Europe too, but I'm unaware of how...err...recent geopolitical exits have changed things. Just big caveat to Europeans reading things: Before you start using GenderGP check the legality of importing medicine into your country. Testosterone is AFAIK something that gets stuck in customs in Nordic countries and is considered legally grey. Don't do anything you could get in trouble for!

[TheGrimKnight]

On 2/4/2022 at 10:17 AM, Public Universal Duardin said:

One of us! One of us!

I am so happy for you having found yourself, @HollowHills and I am proud that this community--not just TGA, but AoS as a whole--has affected you so positively. I want to shout out to the mods of TGA; they are all wonderful people, but I have first-hand experience of @Enoby being an upright individual and ensuring TGA stays free from bigotry (in this case, transphobic language), and later being very humble about receiving any thanks for that.

This may or may not come as a surprise to anyone, but I am a trans woman too. What strikes me is how your events remind me of mine. I too came out as a teenager, but I received zero support and went 'back to the closet' for nigh a decade, fostering a very toxic attitude born from self-hatred until everything came down during 2019. My user name on this very forum, which at times have confounded users, is a relic of that early gender questioning, referencing a non-binary 18th century preacher.

Warhammer has played a big part in my journey to find myself; while the community might have contributed me to stay in the closet in my youth, in recent years I have found nothing but support. I know a few of you outside of TGA, even if I am sure not everyone of them would recognise me on other platforms. I've had the pleasure of meeting life-long friends in the AoS-community, pushing me to put my creativity in good (well, that's debatable) use. A good example was making a small video essay on Slaanesh, whom often is brought up in transphobic contexts especially in the 40K community. It got a couple hundred views and I deleted it due to voice dysphoria, but the thesis was that Games Workshop has evolved Slaanesh from their more problematic roots, discussing their usage by reactionaries and my own experiences with Slaanesh (CSM 3rd ed codex was my first foray into Warhammer, alongside SM:DA, going as far as holding a presentation about Horus Heresy in English class at 12yo, lol!). But the way us q u e e r folks were talked about by bigots, often liking us to Warhammer's Slaanesh, pushed even deeply-egged baby me away from wanting to collect Slaaneshi chaos figures.

The last few years have been the toughest in my life, as in Nordic countries from the moment you realise you are trans to a doctor prescribing you hormones is a multi-year process, only worsened during COVID. I don't know if I would have survived the pandemic, that terrible, terrible wait and having close people reject me due to my identity, if not for thse friends I have found in the Warhammer community and TGA. In many ways, browsing the Rumour thread or posting low-quality memes were an escapism, an escapism that seems to slowly pay off. 

Anyway, I am doing the Abe Simpson rambling thing again. I am very happy for you, Hollow, you aren't alone and we are here for you 💪

I had no idea it took so long in our countries to go through the process. I thought it took longer then other places in the US to get HRT since I'm living in the southern US. 

 

I hope the process keeps going well and moving forward for you! 

 

Also this is open to anyone, if you are having issues and need someone to vent to, don't hesitate to reach out! 

[Lightbox]

I'm so happy for you @HollowHills and so proud of you for being able to accept and understand who you are ❤️

I came out as a trans woman myself in 2021 so I understand how scary and difficult the process of being an egg can be.

Im also really proud of you for recognising and apologising for your internalised transphobia and toxicity, that can be an incredibly difficult thing to do but is such an important step in growing. 

I wish you all the best in your transitioning journey and hope that your idoneth will slay all their foes in the future!

 

[EonChao]

On 2/4/2022 at 8:08 PM, Enoby said:

Just a little thing if it helps anyone, one of my friends is trans and she used Gender GP in the UK to get her meds in a few weeks It is private so it does cost (can't remember the amount but not utterly unaffordable iirc - maybe £200?), but it helped them so much quicker than what was on the NHS. 

I know how important it can be to get medicine, so I thought it was worth mentioning for those on the years-long waiting lists

Definitely one for me to start looking into. Thank you 🙂