Cricket has been formally discarded and all records expunged. That was the announcement at the Extraordinary Meeting held last night, made by the Very Reverend Barnaby after the cricket pitch was once again destroyed by marauding gangs of ghouls, orruks, all manner of undead, and blue horrors. The extra cost of replacing the pitch, coupled with the expense of new floodlights (which, as reported at the previous meeting, is now a prerequisite for entry to the lucrative Twenty20 winter league) has finally put too much pressure on the finances of the Hatton Town Cricket Club. So much so, that the organisation is to be immediately ceased. All equipment must be returned by end of business next Friday.
To replace this pastime, it has been decided that Hatton Town Cricket Club (HTCC) will become the Hatton Town Cannons!!! Club (HTCC) (saves on reprinting the kit). It’s a much more economical game, reuses the now defunct artillery accessories (since Harry Harrysun ran off with all the cannons) , and does not require a four man team working around the clock to keep the playing area playable. Trials for the new team will be every third Thursday until the vernal equinox. Smelly Pete is still banned from all physically demanding activities.
So that’s it – a new dawn for Hatton! Cricket is no more. Long live Cannons!!!
So, what the hell is Cannons? Join our resident sporting expert, Norris Noteworthy, as he explains all the deets about this exciting new sport!
The aim of the game of Cannons!!! is to be the first team to score an ‘arsenil’. To score an ‘arsenil’ requires each player to throw their cannon ball into one of the vacant spaces in the ‘monkey’. Once all the spaces are filled by a team’s balls, then this team will score an ‘arsenil’. The winning team must, as one, call out “******” immediately followed by the losing team calling out, also in unison, “Nil!”
Play continues until one team has scored 83 ‘arsenils’.
Each team has 6 players – 4 Throwers, and 2 Ladellers.
The monkey handler must be no older than 19 years of old.
In the case of a tie, a game of cricket will be played to decide the winner. If this game fails to produce a winner, then a goat will be sacrificed and a draw declared.