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Cricket has been formally discarded and all records expunged. That was the announcement at the Extraordinary Meeting held last night, made by the Very Reverend Barnaby after the cricket pitch was once again destroyed by marauding gangs of ghouls, orruks, all manner of undead, and blue horrors. The extra cost of replacing the pitch, coupled with the expense of new floodlights (which, as reported at the previous meeting, is now a prerequisite for entry to the lucrative Twenty20 winter league) has finally put too much pressure on the finances of the Hatton Town Cricket Club. So much so, that the organisation is to be immediately ceased. All equipment must be returned by end of business next Friday. To replace this pastime, it has been decided that Hatton Town Cricket Club (HTCC) will become the Hatton Town Cannons!!! Club (HTCC) (saves on reprinting the kit). It’s a much more economical game, reuses the now defunct artillery accessories (since Harry Harrysun ran off with all the cannons) , and does not require a four man team working around the clock to keep the playing area playable. Trials for the new team will be every third Thursday until the vernal equinox. Smelly Pete is still banned from all physically demanding activities. So that’s it – a new dawn for Hatton! Cricket is no more. Long live Cannons!!! So, what the hell is Cannons? Join our resident sporting expert, Norris Noteworthy, as he explains all the deets about this exciting new sport! The aim of the game of Cannons!!! is to be the first team to score an ‘arsenil’. To score an ‘arsenil’ requires each player to throw their cannon ball into one of the vacant spaces in the ‘monkey’. Once all the spaces are filled by a team’s balls, then this team will score an ‘arsenil’. The winning team must, as one, call out “******” immediately followed by the losing team calling out, also in unison, “Nil!” Play continues until one team has scored 83 ‘arsenils’. Each team has 6 players – 4 Throwers, and 2 Ladellers. The monkey handler must be no older than 19 years of old. In the case of a tie, a game of cricket will be played to decide the winner. If this game fails to produce a winner, then a goat will be sacrificed and a draw declared.
Meet the People! Intro music Applause Presenter enters stage right Good evening. I’m Gerry McGiver, your host, in this, the first of an exciting new series where we meet up with some of the more prominent people living in the lovely town of Hatton, we get to chat to one of the brave lads who's tireless efforts keep us all safe in our beds at night. He’s just 17 years of age, already a hero of the ranks, and a terribly nice chap to boot!, Ladies and Gentlemen, Billy Shaw! Billy Shaw enters stage left Applause Good evening Billy, and thanks for joining us this evening! You're welcome. It's great to be here. Now, Billy, before we go any further, tell us exactly what you do. Of course Gerry. I'm a halberdier currently under the command of Second Sergeant Bowers of the Hatton Town Guard. Applause Thank you. And I'm the youngest soldier in the, er, soldiery. Applause But, and I think I'm right in saying this Billy, you didn't always plan to be a soldier, did you? No, that's right Gerry. Erm, initially I was to be apprenticed to the butchery of cows for the eating of. With a bit of monkey handling in my spare time. So, er, what happened. In your own words. Well, Gerry. As a youngsterling, I was one of the best practitioners in the art of “hiding”. During many games of ‘hide and go look’, I was able to secrete myself into places hitherto unknown by my seekers. I was quite well known for it. Go on. Well, during one particular game, during the summer of ’56 – That was a hot one! Yes. Well during that summer – 10 years ago. Yes, um, ten years ago, I was deep into the end game of a particularly tense game of ‘hide and go look’. My team were 4-1 down and I had to do something to pull things back. Go on. I spied a door. A door that was a jar. A door that I opened. A door to the – Yes? A door to the – Yes? Murmurs from the audience To the Go on To the Armoury! Audience ooohs And then what happened? Well Gerry. What happened next will live with me until my dying day. I saw it in the corner. A full body of armour. I put a leg in. I put another leg in. I put an arm in. I put another arm in. I was in. In the armour? Yes, in, as you say, the armour. Although much larger than myself, I was only seven, the suit felt tight around me, but my head was still exposed. Er, what about your torso? My torso? Oh, my body you mean? Oh, that got covered by the torso of the suit. Thought so. Anyway, my head was still exposed. And there were footsteps. In the dark. Audience gasps The door, which I'd closed after entering, began to open. I had to think quickly. The helmet! Of course! I grabbed it and covered my head. I was fully concealed, head to toe, including my torso. Rapturous applause Thank you. Then what happened Billy. Take your time, son. Well, we won. I scored a full ten points. We topped the league. But it would be the last game I would ever play. You see, I was trapped. Encased. Entrapped. Carapaced. I couldn't get out of the suit. This suit. The suit I am in now, and will be until the day I die. Sobs from the audience. And a stifled giggle. Wow. Just wow. Thank you Billy. Thank you for sharing that incredible story with us. And there you have it Ladies and Gentlemen! A story of the human spirit in all its dark and brooding beauty. A young boy, halted in his dream of becoming a butcherer of cows, doomed to meet his doom in a doom laden erm, er, death? Applause So, until next time – Er, can you help me up? Until next – Excuse me? I need help out of the chair. Next ti- oh, sorry. There you go. Rapturous applause Thank you. So until next time, when we’ll be meeting the another superstar of the ranks, it's goodnight from me. Goodnight! Applause. Cheering. Screams Outro music Credits