“All the world's a game, And all the men and women merely playthings” Bill Spearshake, Hatton Town’s Head Scribbler.

The Players

The inhabitants of Hatton

Mayor Derik – being the Mayor of Hatton, a loose man, with a lingering foot.
Heseltine – being the manservant of the Mayor. A fool.

Archgeneral Carlton Smiles-Pomley III – being our hero. Flatulent, headgear obsessed, faller off of horse, loved by his men.
Ovaltine – being Carlton’s horse. In reality, the seven headed Tzeentch wizard Dyscalculia, Lord of All Things, Despoiler of Time, the big O. On indefinite gardening leave.

Mrs. Strawberry – being a lardy cake producer and a possible witch.
Mrs. Dawson – being a lady of Hatton. Jealous of Mrs. Strawberry’s fame and a possible witch.
The Very Reverend Barnaby – being not a real reverend.
Starkey Blueblood and his trusty companion Snake Miskins – being grave robbers, and brave lobbers. And great lovers. And late brothers.

Hatton Town CC – being the Hatton Town ‘Cannons!!’ team players. 

Hatton Town Home Guard – being the Freeguild Regiment under the command of Archgeneral Carlton Smiles-Pomley.
Billy Shaw – being 17. Encased in armour after “the best game of Hide and Go Look in the world, ever”.
‘Dead-eye Doug’ – being the Hatton Guard Handgunner Sharpshooter. Blinder than a bat.
Head Gamekeeper Jed ‘The Head’ – being a man with binoculars.
Greg and Stan – being men in the Hatton Guard.